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Texas please vote for Ted Cruz. Because if you don't, he could end up on the View. 
I must be very good at handling my credit card.... Each month the bank sends me a letter saying my credit card account is outstanding.
Your girl is either gonna want to sit on your face or punch you in the face. No in between
Starcents, it's like Starbucks only cheaper.
A tv show for anyone over 40 called “So You Think You Can Hear”
always use magnum condoms because they have enough room for couple of snacks for when you get tired.
Kind of ironic that a basketball team from Oakland, CA would have GSW on their jerseys..
I'm not saying my wife is overweight or eats to much, but I had too put an engery saving lightbulb in the fridge.
Yesterday, accompanied my wife to the Louis Vuitton showroom and was shocked to find that..My salary was printed on a shoe !!
It's September...if you're Birthday is this month your parents started the new year with a bang...
There's an easy way to convert your sofa into a sofabed...... Forget the wife's birthday.
My last real fight was with a pizza box that wouldn't close.
I’m, like, 3 showers and an intervention away from getting my life together.
Baking bread basically involves creating a rich and warm environment for a species to thrive and then initiating a mass extinction event.
Halloween isn't the only day people have trouble desiding what to be.
Ever been so drunk you ate a frozen burrito?
Everytime I lose a sock I gain a Tupperware lid.
Keep your friends close and your enemies closer, and the box of chocolate chip cookies preferably within arm's reach.
If I ever choke to death on gummy bears, can we just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that?
Cardi B is a former stripper. Prime example of why the expression “Don’t quit your day job” was created. 