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Dear IRS: Please cancel my subscription. 
All I want for Christmas, is to keep the things I've got.
I think my girlfriend's hallucinating. She keeps telling me she's seeing other people.
I don't trust people who like me the second we meet. I'm an acquired taste.
with the way kids are so HYPER these days, I probably wouldn't have enough patience to be a Kindergarten Teacher...we'd have to play games like DUCT, DUCT, TAPE!
It's not "When Wild Animals Attack!" as much as it is "When Stupid People Get Bit."
Auto-Correct is shut, every time I try to swear it ducking corrects it, for duck sake it's doing it now, to he'll with it, suck on my cook you auto-correcting butch!
When they discover the center of the universe, some people will be very disappointed when they find out it's not them.
just read that burglars use Facebook to find out when people aren't home... so from now on, i'm at home, with a knife, and a hungry alligator (:
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."
After doing some research, It turns out that not EVERYBODY was kung-fu fighting. It was just this one guy
if only life came with ◄◄ REW ► PLAY ▌▌PAUSE █▌STOP ►► FF...buttons.
▒▒broke his sta▒tus but ▒▒▒▒ a little duct tape goes▒▒ a long w▒ay....
Hav finally finished my 40,000 piece Jigsaw, it reads- " Get a life you sad F**k "
wants a holiday that somehow follows closely to the 1966 movie: The Endless Summer...... any volunteers?
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list...
Dear other countries, we can't explain Jersey Shore's popularity either.
I admit I am from the old school, but since when did bathrooms become photobooths?
You don't have to like me. I'm not a facebook status.
Learn to appreciate what you have, before time makes you appreciate what you had. 