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Life is give and take; I give and you take, probably. 
I'm pretty sure my guardian angel is in therapy for PTSD.
Any amount of toilet paper is a butt-load of toilet paper.
I now identify as someone who is disappointed in everyone. I don't care about your bathrooms, I am just gonna pee where I want.
That awkward moment when you see a commercial for "Designated Survivor" and wished it was reality.
Interviewer: You responded to my question too briefly and you were hesitant. Me: I was thinking how stupid was your question!
Never owned a single pair of shoes in my life. I just keep renting them from the bowling alley.
When I was young I kept asking myself what I wanted to be when I grew up. Now I know the answer: I want to be young.
I wish I was cool enough to post pictures of my food on Facebook
Always wears an "I'm with stupid" shirt to marriage counseling.
Finally told my parents they’re gay.
Consider this Diem Carped.....
The number 867-5309 has been disconnected .
If people always gave up when the chances got slim, we wouldn't have heroes...or progress...or a 4 minute mile....
I'm almost certain that any one of us born between 1975-1983 could potentially be one of Burt Reynolds children.
I'll do anything for my fans here except produce quality work.
The three men who carried out Tuesday’s deadly attack on Istanbul’s Ataturk airport were all from parts of the former USSR, Turkish sources say.
5 Word Eulogy: He loved texting and driving.
The way a dog that doesn't play fetch looks at a thrown ball—that's how I feel about everything.
Just want to be rich enough to sort by price from high to low. 