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My new years weight loss plan is eating pasta and then antipasta. 
I have a lot of imaginary friends. They are real people, I just have to pretend they are my friends.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
wife: it looks too tight me: it's fine, let's just go [ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
Did you hear that NASA has launched several cows into orbit? It was the herd shot around the world.
I'm pretty sure my soulmate will come through that door. -Me, at KFC
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I've lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I'd like to lose another 10 lbs first.
Last Reminder: It's St. Patrick's Day in about 3 weeks...take down your Christmas decorations.
Windows installed an entire continent on my computer. When it finished, it told me "Europe to date."
My farts don't stink & are silent... So! I went to see a doc, Long story short, I've got a hearing & sinus problem.
huge shout out to my cat who I recently learned knows how to turn on my gas range stove while we’re all asleep
I used to drink a lot in the '80's. Then I realized, who cares what the temperature is?
Schools getting cancelled left n right indefinitely? At this rate, I feel sorry for Classof2020 our babies gonna graduate on FaceTime
I think Facebook should change What's on your mind? To What's on your mind, besides the Coronavirus?
Remember laughing at Michael Jackson wearing mask and gloves. Now you all out here looking like you wanna be starting something.
Beware everyone!! There's emails going around saying if you eat tinned pork, it will help avoid Covid. Please ignore as it's only Spam
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
this little piggy stayed home this little piggy stayed home this little piggy stayed home this little piggy stayed home this little piggy stayed home
I'm called "Essential" because calling me "Sacrificial" would be too honest...
Hoping the easter bunny leaves me some eggs the egg hoarders didn't get this year. 