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On the bright side, at least we found a way to stop mass shooting in schools, offices, malls and concerts. 
We had no pandemics in 1974 because everyone was busy Kung Fu fighting.
The way we're losing the Coronavirus surprised Mexico hasn't paid to finish the wall yet.
You know you're broke when your bank flags deposits as "suspicious activity."
Sometimes I stay awake at night wondering… How long did it take Cinderella and the Prince to realize you can’t base a relationship on shoe size.
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-Eleven last night. Hope I don't catch Slurpees.
You know how you sometimes hear something pop loudly in the microwave? That's the camera bulb flashing.
New chapters in The Art of the Deal sequel: 1) Insult Your Way to an Unpassable Health Bill. 2) Build the Wall and Make Mexico Pay Nothing.
Celebrities: quit selling guns. No one needs gun beside my bodyguard
I start wearing an earring when my wife found it in our bed.
Last night I ordered my whole dinner in French. Even the waiter was impressed, because it was a Chinese restaurant.
It's amazing how a single terd can shut down a water park.
Did you hear about the Egyptian King that went to College and studied plumbing.. graduated a Pharaoh faucet Major.
If I were a cosmetic surgeon my slogan would be, "We can change your bottom line"
.... Hey nosy people .... Please leave me alone and worry about your own freakin sins .... cuz when the time comes .... you sure as hell won't be asked about mine!!!
Stop blaming Millennials. This election has clearly proven that people of all generations are awful.
What this country needs is more gum control. I'm getting pretty damn tired of sticky wads getting stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
We all have that one friend that makes us laugh with their stupidity.
You are limited by what you settle for.
I don't want to be mean and "block" you, so just close your eyes when I post, like I do, when I see YOUR pic. Thanks :) 