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Like Icarus flying too close to the sun, I begin to regret eating that third breakfast plate at Shoney's. 
I didn't get drunk enough last night, I can still remember working.
I can picture it now. Xi says in Chinese "look at this fat idiot attack that chocolate cake." And then the interpreter says in English "we agree that this meeting has been very useful".
Two Franciscan priests opened a Long John Silver's franchise. One was the fish friar and the other was the chip monk.
I love ruining the plot of Dorian Gray for people. Never gets old.
My doctor put me on a low sodium/no alcohol diet recently. I've lost 6 pounds so far... I also know joy weighs 6 pounds now.
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner? ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
I can't be the only one who’s first instinct when a fly lands on their computer screen is to try to scare it with the cursor.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up. Stools: OK!
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
today I'll be celebrating MLK day...I'm going to sleep in late & have a dream
Did I miss the Superbowl again? Darn that's like 20 years in a row.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
My account has hacked, but if you receive an inappropriate message, it was probably still me.
direct deposit: $1400 me at Nike: you do it.
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones... Hmmm,, You may NOT want in a phone that sets itself on fire,, to be water resistant guys. 