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being single does not always mean you're available 
War with North Korea looming. Cast of M*A*S*H have their fingers crossed
Girls that call guys "dude" are usually lesbians.
wondering why everyone is so excited about landing a rover on Mars. Did everyone forget that we've been landing junk there (including 2 other rovers) since 1976.
I'm worried about my friend, he can't stop buying cars... I think he has car owner virus.
The definition of a Canadian - An unarmed American with Health Insurance!
If I could have sex with anyone, living or dead, I would for sure pick living.
I went door-to-door today telling my neighbors I’m a registered sex offender so they’ll keep their darn kids out of my yard.
Black Lies Scatter!
OK, OK. I'm sorry I yelled "Get a room!" when your grandmother was hugging your grandfather's casket.
Are you crying because you are fat or because you're hungry again?
she was only a wrestler's daughter but you should have seen her box.
We broke free from England to elect a sociopathic reality star or a compulsively lying epitome of PMS for President. Bang up job, America.
The best thing about my wife's bj..... The five minutes of silence
I would send thoughts and prayers, but I would rather vote and send better politicians...
Woman are the only creatures to defly the laws of gravity. The heavier they are, the easier they are to pick up.
Harry and Meghan have started an online poll to allow the British public to suggest the name of the new royal infant. The current front-runner is Princey McPrinceFace.
My daughter was eating a snack cake while her mother gave her a haircut. I said, "You're gonna get hair on your Twinkie." She said, "I know, daddy. And I'm gonna get b00bies too!"
Love is...never having to say “wrong hole”
Last night my refrigerator opened my bedroom door, walked in and stood there and stared at me for a few minuntes, then left and closed the door 