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I just watched a mattress commercial where the lady said, "It feels really good, no matter what position I'm in".....Why can't I meet a woman like that???? 
I can't wait 'til I'm rich enough to throw things away that accidentally fall in the toilet.
I wonder what the person I`m going to marry is doing right now
Whenever I need a moment to myself, I just go on MySpace.
Picking your nose doesn't mean you're a bad person. It's what you do with the booger.
This world is not going to make any real progress until we stop perpetuating the belief that "paper" beats "rock."
Ladies would you prefer a man to just say, "I just want to have sex with you" from the start?
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day.
Why do actors think we care who the they are going to vote for. Make movies and shut up!
My favorite mythical creature is the Honest Politician
Whenever my children question my knowledge on any subject, I just remind them that their mother is older than the Internet.
Apparently a good way to get asked to leave the gym is to move a treadmill behind a guy on a stationary bike and pretend you're angrily chasing him.
So there are teenagers out there that have unprotected sex, but yet have cases on their phones. Just let that sink in for a minute....
Now that a billonaire in Mexico is going to buy out Hostess the twinkie will come in 3 flavors. Hot, Medium and mild.
The first thing I do when someone introduces themselves to me is forget what their name is.
shouldn't there have been ONE scene in The Karate Kid where Daniel's mom was like "Why are you constantly in that old man's shed?"
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
The person in front of me at Starbucks included a specific temperature in her coffee order. Where is a drone strike when you need one?
My voicemail greeting is now a Justin Bieber song. if you can make it to the end of the song without hanging up then I’ll listen to the message, because obviously it’s important!
Free Tip: If a prostitute has nice teeth and carries a purse, she's a cop. 