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Don't cry because it's over. Smile because you didn't catch herpes. 
Sorry I took 2 Benadryl and drank a wine cooler and got kicked out of Chuck E. Cheese during your kid's birthday party.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Love to collect call people randomly, just to remind them that that is somehow still a thing.
Bet the dinosaurs ate chicken nuggets shaped like humans.
I drink so much hazelnut creamer that I would think coffee-mate would want to acknowledge me somehow.
Sometimes I can't figure out if it's Botox or a bee sting.
Kids suck at eating ice cream cones.
Welcome to parenting. Hope you like ketchup.
It was a toss up tonight between turning on the nightly news or migrating to Singapore to get an Organ illegally harvested.
You can do anything you want when you grow up, son, as long as you don't go viral on the internet before daddy.
A family at Starbucks is discussing a relative's intervention, and after an hour of eavesdropping I'll be offended if they don't invite me.
I'm experiencing heavy call volumes. Please hang up and never call me again.
Should be working but instead thinking how I could smuggle a tennis ball cannon into the Westminster Dog Show.
I clicked on a link and it said "Attachment Unavailable". That's dating in a nutshell.
All sitcoms make me realize is that my group of friends don't have nearly as much sex as they should.
If you don’t pretend you’re thanking polite ghosts every time you walk through automatic doors, you’re too mature for me.
Gave this girl my number and now she won't stop texting me. "Your table is ready. Please check in with the host." Geez....give me some space.
Really hate crime but I love true crime docs so I'm at a real impasse here.
I just checked my account balance at the ATM, it printed me out a coupon for ramen noodles. 