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My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen. 
oh shiit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and I legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
Security Guard: You can't bring outside food in here
Me: This is a service burrito
Just turned on an old Windows 7 machine that hasn’t been used in 10 years. “Installing update 1 of 97”
Sitting at the window with my dog watching people go by outside and barking at them
Pro Tip: Apply common sense for best results.
raisins....nonalcoholic box of wine
Woke up to the sound of gunfire this morning. Luckily, my wife is not a good shot.
if I had a time machine id just keep going back to sleep
Tonight the Mrs and I are having Netflix and Hide from adult responsibilities
Instead of bashing what you hate, try smashing what you love.
"Wow, that Hungry Man TV dinner sure lives up to its name!" said no hungry man ever.
If my wife finds out I replaced our bed with a trampoline; she'd hit the roof.
There are days when I just want to hear her voice. Then I remember what a nut job psycho she was...
From the smell of things, people should be more concerned with underwear change than climate change.
Social Justice Crowd: Irma's not my hurricane!
Whenever I see signs on Social Media that read, "I stand with PP" I secretly think, "I stand while I pee-pee but I don't feel the need to broadcast that information.”
But Officer, I wasn't tailgating. I was drafting.
Life has to be about more than just solving problems
My wife is losing it, she told me she was seeing someone behind my back. But when I turn around there wasn't anyone there. 