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The longer you wait for something, the more you appreciate it when you get it. 
BEEP! -Zebra walking past a self-service checkout.
3 stages of marriage. 1.engagement ring. 2. wedding ring. 3. suffer ring.
My wife was going wild in the sack last night. I eventually had to get up and let her out of it.
Honey badgers aren’t as delicious as they sound
A George Harrison memorial tree was killed by actual beetles. No word yet on if Davy Jones memorial was attacked by monkeys.
The vending machine gave me an extra bag of Skittles today, hope my Dad loves his Father's Day gift.
Frito Lay should roll out a new cinnamon sugar version of Cheetos called Sweetos, they will also help you acquire Diabetos.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I've trapped her in her gran's bedroom with a wolf.
You have to figure that Shaquille O'Neal never signs greeting cards "Love, Shaq" because that band the B-52's came out with that song and pretty much ruined it for him.
Breasts are to men as diamonds are to women. The bigger they are, the dumber we get.
BREAKING: After the Cavs won the NBA title, rioters in Cleveland are expected to cause $10 million in improvements.
Found Dory in my fish burger today, she was delicious.
Facebook didn't tell me it's your birthday is an awesome 21st century excuse.
They should totally turn that Game of Thrones show into a book.
Tips To Gain My Friendship: 1) Have a cat. 2) Show me photos of your cat. 3) Invite me over to pet your cat. 4) Be a cat. 5) Cat.
I don't wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I'm great at analogies.
Pokemon Go - Showing how easy it is to get sheep to follow.
My wife just put the kids to bed, now it's time to play Pokemom.... 