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On the 12th Day of Christmas my Facebook gave to me, 12 dudes I'm blocking, 11 friends just watching, 10 corny topics, 9 busted barbies, 8 friends complaining, 7 stalkers stalking, 6 party invites, Fiiiiiiiiiiiiive Drama Queeeensssss, 
People act like they've never seen winter before. It happens every f'n year, ya know?
I feel a disturbance in the Force. RIP Carrie Fisher.
Realizing his terrible mistake, Judas bitterly hurled his half-eaten Klondike bar into the sea.
I feel an originality rush coming on. Think I'll make a dog face on Snapchat.
The Real valentine Holiday is 15Feb...when chocolate is 70% off!
Hate it when people text me "k" because I'm rarely in the mood to ever talk about potassium.
Alcohol is like a push up bra for your personality...
Dont blame me for you crazy issues! If you insist on sending me pics of your boobs please at least be a female!!
I have herpes. Wait. Autocorrect strikes again. I have recipes.
Wife asks why I keep a weapon inside the house. Told her I was scared of government agencies spying on us-- She laughed. I laughed. Our Smart TV laughed.
I think I may have a wee bit too much green beer last night. I woke up this morning next to Paddy O'Furniture
If there is a watermelon why isn't there an earthmelon and firemelon and airmelon? You know…the elemelons
Bruce Springstein @ $500 a ticket says "Americas already great"
You will NEVER find the love of your life, if YOU ARE the love of your life.
Just got scammed out of $15. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes." Turns out it's about golf. Absolute waste of money.
I was not planning to buy a mattress today, but then I saw a kid twirling a sign like a helicopter and now all I want to do is buy a mattress
Kids have middle names so they can tell when they're really in trouble.
From Jabba's point of view, Star Wars is about a guy who owed him a lot of money, but instead of paying he brought in a gang to murder him
I'm drinking a Diet Coke because I ate a whole box of Pop Tarts for breakfast. I'm hoping this will neutralize it. 