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When I'm standing in line at an amusement park I like to say (very loudly) "This is the ride that Jimmy got killed on." 
do you realize that Def Leppard is the safest music to air drum to while driving because you can keep one hand on the steering wheel?
I hear they're making a remake of the Never Ending Story. It starts with a man asking a woman how her day was.
If you call your parents by their first names, we can’t be friend.
Yay! Now I can go back to saying the word "Soccer" without some pretentious fan reminding me that it's referred to as "Football" in other parts of the world.
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office: I will find you. You've got my Word.
Pets are animals that aren’t delicious.
Paintball is so much more fun when the other people at Wal-mart don't I'm playing.
Why does a flamingo lift one leg? Because if it lifted both, it would fall over.
I don't know if Anthony Weiner's weiner is that big but it's sure casts a very long shadow....
If your name is Nancy and you get pregnant you will be pregnancy.
2016 stop it with the great musicians. You know that Nickelback is still around!
It's much better to wake up and go pee than to go pee and wake up
Desert is different from Dessert. You can have as many desserts as you want, but you can only stand in one desert at a time, the english laungauge will get you every time. . .
Happy Single's Discrimination Day. You'll be takiing matters in your own hands. Don't forget to clean up. . .. . .
Yes, I'm Italian. But don't care about Sinatra, The Godfather or Al Pacino. I'm in it for the food.
Whats the Canadian National Anthem again?
I guess alot of people woke up on the wrong side of the wall today
OK WHO NEEDS MOVING BOXES?
An Asian in charge of Transportation? That's like putting a fox in charge of a hen house. 