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You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine. 
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
Fake meat fans, do us normal folks a favor. Shut up already.
Sex after 60 is like playing pool with a rope
Sometimes I wish Whoop-ass came in a spray bottle instead of a can.
The main ingredient in hand sanitizer is paranoia.
Screw the government, let's all smoke weed this weekend
...... Liberals to the Left of me .... Republicans to the right ...... Here I am ..... Stuck in the middle with you ......
LeBron James opted out of his contract but he re-signed for another 8 years of attention whoring.
Heck ... Getting into the DNC computers was easy enough for hackers .... Just think how easy it was for them to get into Hillary’s Private/Government server full of National Classified secrets and information that wasn’t even protected by a password
If you want help moving I can only assume you're not an adult. Adults hire movers.
I can't believe Rudy Giuliani forgot about 9/11 considering it's also his credit card pin.
Gonna write something about All Lives Matter but I suddenly saw Jared Fogle trending again.
Mexican: "Hey, lets make Mexico Great Again" Other Mexican: "What do you mean 'Again'? ese"
Staying focused is very challenging when there's so much porn on the Internet.
No Marijuana: Day 7 -More stamina. -Increased libido. -Decrease in mood swings. -Improved mental clarity. -I haven't slept. -3 people are dead.
The next time you think your job sucks image how the camera crew that follows around the Kardashians 24/7 must feel.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware. 