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I'd be more willing to date, if women were less willing to talk. 
beware of dog...........the cat is fvcking shady as well
I want to hold hands and waste friday nights with you while we both getting wasted.
I disagree revenge is a dish best served with arsenic.
You can be dysfunctional, retarded, ugly, promiscuous, pregnant, fat, obnoxious, sick, drunk, or high, but make sure you know the difference between 'YOUR' and 'YOU'RE' or ‘THAN' and ‘THEN'.
A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.
High School Spanish class taught me just enough to engage Spanish-speaking people in the worst conversation they've ever had.
My internet was running slow today so I knocked on my neighbors' door and asked if they could place their router a bit closer to the window.
I know two wrongs don't make a right, obviously... But how many does it take? I'm like on 396.
I'm proud to announce that my wife and I are expecting a bacon.
I'm so old that I remember when # was called a number sign.
I forgot to post a picture of my lunch. So it never happened...
The closest I am to having any "Swag" is the Old Spice Swagger deodorant, sitting in my bathroom cabinet.
How dare the Heat try to sign the best free agents!!! Unlike... um... every single other team..
If a menu item costs a dollar, you give up all rights to complain about it, even if it has pubes in it...
When you realize that Strap-On is No Parts spelled backwards.
I know words. I have the best words. I just don't know how to spell them.
A woman with her tongue pierced is like Microsoft. When you can’t do it right, throw more hardware at it.
As we used to say in my hometown, “Why are we all living at the base of an active volcano?”
DON’T CLICK on the quiz titled “What kind of plumbing device prevents the unwanted flow of liquid or gas?” It’s a trap! 