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Breaking News!!!!! Spongebob Square Pants found Dead in oil patch........ 
Shrek beat Sex and The City at the box office this past weekend. It was quite a showdown between two very unique movies. One is about a hideous creature and all of it's friends, and the other one is Shrek.
One day my ex-wife asked me if her new jeans made her butt look big, I said I don't know, let me jog around back there and check. Hence the ex-wife.
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
So if tomorrow is the first day of summer, that means tonight is SUMMERS EVE right? Let me know if I am being a douche...
I stopped by the apple store and used their bathroom .. iPeed
According to my childhood, 1 out of 3 pigs are excellent builders.
A threesome? Nah not for me. If I wanted to horribly disappoint two other people I'd go out to dinner with my parents.
Garage sales are the gateway drug to Walmart.
Remember, if we get caught, you are deaf and I speak no English.
Do you guys ever get a shooting pain across your body like someone has a voodoo doll of you & they're stabbing it? No? How about now?
Im having a problem in Call Of Duty, I go to the menu and... alright by now the girls have stopped reading this, anyone know any good porn sites?
I read that smoking is bad so I stopped smoking, I read drinking is bad so I stopped drinking, I read that sex is bad so I stopped reading.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy's using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
I absolutely HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT! Throw my head back and SHOUT!
Dear lady in front of me , It is a speed bump , not a freaking land mine
I will never understand why my fridge has a drawing of a carrot on the beer drawer.
If you think your wife has a great sense of humor, try leaving a trail of rose petals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes. #fail
I wish Facebook would notify me when people deleted me, that way I could like it
Everything I need to know in life I learned in kindergarten... if you poop your pants they let you go home. 