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What do you call a wolf that has everything figured out? Aware Wolf. 
the greatest four words any one could ever say to a woman "have you lost weight?"
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants"? "Over there by mine", was not the answer I was expecting.
I’m so hungry, I could eat a buttered monkey
some people write LOCKDOWN cuz they can't spell KWARANTEEN!!
Don't kid your self would be a good name for a comdom.
BABY GOT BACKYARD Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
If I were a rat, I wouldn't give my ass either.
After discovering that Anthony Weiner got Hillary Clinton in trouble Bill Clinton breeze a sigh of relief because it's the first time his wiener hasn't gotten Hillary in trouble
not a single treat or treater walked behind my building and up 38 steps to my apartment....oh well, I guess that's 6 more cans of cream of mushroom soup for me!
If Hillary gets a pardon, General Petraeus , who Ive been hearing about everyday for the last 6 months better damn well get one too!
Hooters has a shuttle service that will take you to sporting events. It’s called Bööber.
The week of the year when people buy gifts for people they don't wanna see, for a night they don't wanna go to, with money they don't have.
"You're not fat darling, it’s just that you’re… very easy to see."
Only serial killers pour milk before the cereal.
Q: Why does a dog lick himself? A: Because he can? .... No, because he can't make a fist.
Relationship status…just tried to reach for my cats paw & he pulled away so I pretended I was reaching for the remote
Daylight Saving(s) Time.Sheesh. Gimme a break. Know what? I give it eight months.
The evening news begins with good evening. Then they proceed to tell you why it not.
When one door closes, another one opens which is great-unless you're am idiot and you didn't notice. 