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Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?” 
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole” -Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
I spent a year once in a two week lockdown to flatten the curve...
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
Playboy has asked me to stop sending them my nudes
Today I photographed two bees having sex and I am not sure it is appropriate to post so you’ll have to imagine it.
Spring is my favorite time of year. Everything looks like a Summer's Eve commercial.
I always try to keep a good Facebook profile picture of myself. This will be the photo plastered all over the news when something goes horribly wrong.
Does eating Tide Pods take skid marks out of underwear? Asking for a friend...
I guess I should watch the Grammys to see who our next President will be.
I have a midget friend. He's epileptic and makes pizzas for a living. I call him "Little Seizures." I'm going to hell.
The forest was shrinking yet trees kept voting for the AXE because its handle was made of wood and they thought it was one of them.
I used to think women were the weaker sex until the first night my wife took all the bed covers
Ghosts be like "I'm evil, I've been here for hundreds of years and you should be terrified. And the best example of my fearsome power will be to close this door a little bit."
Just to be clear, since some people are so dense to understand this, we don't hate cops, we only hate the corrupted ones.
I never understood why the
Lions and Cowboys play on Thanksgiving.
Shouldn't the Patriots play the Redskins?
I called the pharmacist and asked him if acetylsalicylic acid was the best remedy for a headache. He says, "You mean aspirin?" I go, “Yeah, that’s it, I can never remember that word."
No, I didn't gain weight over the holidays....I'm just retaining Christmas cookies, that's all.... 