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The couch just proposed to my buttocks. 
About 73% of the time, I just make up percentages
Taking a Klondike Bar and a condom to the local beauty pagent... I'm eagerly waiting.
It's a thankless job, but apparently I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
Whatever you do in this life, you should always give it 100 percent, unless you're donating blood.
Why is that when you apply for a loan at the bank the first thing you have to do is prove you don't need it?
Fun Fact: All the toilet paper in the NSA headquarters has the 4th Amendment printed on them.
My Great Great Great Grandfather Alex Would have turned 176 years old today. Please be aware of the dangers of Civil Wars.
Like my Pappy always said: If you're going to do something, do it rihgt.
Halloween is just a made up holiday, created by the razor blade industry.
Ladies, when I hit on you don't tell me that you're engaged. You're just currently booked. And bookings can be cancelled any time.
Just wait until people figure out that Native Americans would purchase and trade African slaves for use...
I think hurricanes with male names should be called "himicanes."
I farted in an apple store and everyone got mad so I said: too bad they don't have windows
If a pregnant woman is swimming, does that make her a human submarine?
Why don't witches wear panties? Because they get a better grip on their brooms without them.
Eighty percent of Marriage is telling the other person they snore and them saying they don't.
My girlfriend left me because I'm insecure. Oh wait, she's back. I guess she just went to the grocery store.
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
Upside of Hell you won't have any trouble finding a lawyer or priest. 