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The next person who says I'm using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves 
To make a long story short, just walk away once you're bored.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly I can't pay this months rent anymore
Just bought a pair of velcro shoes. What a rip off.
I bet if Jeff Bridges picked up your kid from school today & said “I’m your dad now,” your kid wouldn’t even question it.
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive. Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
I like to throw a fake punch at a hoooker's crotch. If she flinches, I know it's a dude.
I canceled my Netflix after discovering tons of free channel's where I can endlessly scroll their menus finding nothing to watch, just like Netflix.
me: *having prostate examination* doc: omg, when was this last wiped? me: WHAT doc: *pointing to dust on table* I must speak to the cleaning lady
I'm not in a relation"ship," I'm in a relation"barge" that's towing emotional garbage all day long.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don't know you.
my girl said she wanna travel so I handed her a basketball & told her “take three steps”
Due to rising operational costs, I will no longer be able to provide dirty deeds at a dirt cheap rate. Thank you for your understanding.
Out shopping for keychain pepper spray for when people start saying “See you next Year!” to me....
Netflix should have the option to not just resume from when you shut it off, but to resume from when you fell asleep.
It's the postproduction phase of eating fast food that takes the expierience all downhill.
So when does "Kris Humphries Nightmare Divorce" begin shooting?
If you're a psychic and you get murdered then no you weren't.
We have so much in common. You want to travel, and I want you to go.
unwittingly a dog whisperer! After an argument with my sister I whispered "b*tch" and she said "I heard that" 