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When you're feeding pigeons, you're really feeding doves from Hell. 
They need to put more spider poison in hairspray.
I saw a science show on how we're merely energy sources who come back as other energies in subsequent lives. I can see it now, I'll be a 9 volt battery in a transistor radio from the 60's tuned to an Elvis only station.
According to The Prophecy, today is my Hot Mess day.
Don't worry inbox, I'm empty too.
I dunno.Was EVERYBODY Kung Fu fighting? Wasn't there at least one guy watching the door?
May your July 4th fireworks cause less personal injury than your July 4th alcohol consumption.
Our cat doesn't like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers every Independence Day.
Confession: I ate all my hurricane snacks during the first two hours of the storm and I'm probably not the guy you want on your apocalypse team....
I was reading that dogs can successfully sniff out cancer in humans. Now I’m worried that I’ve got testicular cancer.
Maybe you don't have swagger, maybe it's an inner ear infection.
Pokemon Lives Matter
If a Canadian falls in the forest and no one is around, does he still apologize?
Coming This Fall On HBO: Game of Loans. Move over medieval times, it's university life at it's finest in 2016.
Awesome Fact: All baseball players are bilingual they speak English and profanity.
I thought I was in a bad mood but its been a few years so I guess this is who I am now.
1/3 of the world is going crazy killing each other tonight, 1/3 of the nerds are looking for pokemon, 1/3 of women are rubbing their poor children in essential oils and I'm just laying on the couch wondering how I ran out of Oreos.
I woke up this morning and there was a big Pokemon next to me and I don't even have the app!
QUESTION: "What to you have when you finally find ALL of the Pokemon?" ... ANSWER: "Nothing .... you have nothing."
Our neighbours are the type that run marathons. We're the type where, as we get out of the car, empty donut boxes fall out. 