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No matter what happens in this life, I will NEVER give up on my dreams. That’s why I slept until noon today 
wondering why people with hundreds of friends on FB are spending their time on FB and not with one of them instead
Just saw a text "I hate Ben Stein" and now I love him even more
Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage? Because they are tired of using their own.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, here’s a gentle reminder that the moon’s diameter is 3475Km in diameter and you could not have fked this up more
After 10 years of marriage my wife finally made me happy in the bedroom. She put in a 42'' tv a min fridge full of beer and she sleeps in the spare bedroom.
If your butt cheeks were horizonal you would applaud every time you ran up the stairs.
why do they call it delivering a baby if you still have to take the baby home yourself?
Don't just steal your kids' Halloween candy. Eat it in front of them. Clean up after them. Support them until age 26. Show them who's boss.
For those who are constantly pondering whether the Glass is half empty ... or half full, miss the point!!! The Glass is Refillable!
Well, it's that day that we act like our vote matters.
#marriage Girls are never wrong. Until they are. Then they cry and are, somehow, not wrong again.
My great grandfather is gone out drinking. He's celebrating finally paying off his student loan .
What I envy in women is their ability to argue without any valid points whatsoever and still claim victory.
Just put up my three foot Christmas tree, needed my six foot ladder to put the star on
Don't just be part of the couch.... Be the couch.
Dear Santa: Please refer to my Pinterest board.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Men in white windowless van's have the worst candy.
Never criticise your husband's faults. It may have been those little imperfections which stopped him from getting a better wife. 