Funny Status Messages

   Only resort to violence if necessary like if a coworker says "another day in paradise".

   Bank Teller: "Sir, your account is overdrawn." Me: "So are your eyebrows, but you made it work, didn't you?"

   If you don't smile and show everyone your teeth when you're eating Oreos then you're probably more mature than me.

   Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.

   I really don’t understand why my neighbors have to be outside when I’m outside.

   Will I be able to drink with these? - First question when prescribed meds

   Newt Gingrich is calling for a new House Committee on Un-American Activities. I thought that was just called Congress.

   French toast is just toast that's surrendered.

   Being clean and sober means i've showered and am heading to the liquor store.

   My phone has better health insurance than I do.

   Pixar announces, 'Finding Nemo 3, The Search of Future Revenue.'

   Should you tell your neighbor that leaving their six porch lights on all day makes their Prius rather redundant?

   Always wonder why do people even bother making good quality pinatas?

   Fun Fact: Ryan Lochte originally took up swimming because his pants were always on fire.

   Thank you for installing Adobe Flash. A new version is available. Install?.. <YES>.. Thank you for installing Adobe Flash. A new version is available. Install?. <YES>.. Thank you for installing Adobe Flash. A new version is available. Install?

   The winds of change can blow me.

   If we ever travel thousands of light years to a planet inhabited by intelligent life, let’s just make patterns in their crops and leave..

   I just saved a ton of $ on Christmas presents by discussing politics on FB.

   Kids consider “it’s bedtime” like it’s the first offer in the negotiation process.

   Here's a list of nine bands Stevie Wonder has seen and One that's fake..see if you can guess. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8.Blind Melon 9. 10.