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Hey, you married people doing okay? I haven't heard "I'm so blessed" or He's my everything" for a few weeks now... 
You can't say $1200 ain't sh*t if you qualify for the $1200...
OK, I can understand why you're mad at me, but the horse I rode in on had nothing to do with it.
Ah memory impairment...the free prize at the bottom of every vodka bottle
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
I wash my hands at least 5 times a day. But not because of the Coronavirus. I own a Volkswagen.
Would taping or gluing my mustache and beard together meet mask requirements?
Hear me out: Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper. This is where we’re at, people.
If I die at the begining of the month after paying my rent, they better sit me on the couch till the 30th!!
Blessed are the agoraphobic, for they shall inherit the earth
Sometimes it feels like my only goal in life is just to wake up once a day.
My dirty mind gets me into trouble, my body often joins in.
I'm pretty sure the dirty looks your wife gives you are not the looks you married her for.
Nice try, Olympic skiers. I've been going downhill without skis or poles for years.
Have you tried throwing a tantrum?.
Throwing a surprise party for my girlfriend so just remember that on the count of three we all yell "SURPRISE YOU'RE BEN''S GIRLFRIEND"
I dreamt I had a sh*tty life. I woke up and I have sh*tty life. So dreams do come true, kids.
You are intriguing. You require further stalking, sorry I mean investigation.
Kendall Jenner bought her own apartment for $1.4 million and I'm out here struggling to buy a Naked juice for $3
Nice try whatsapp but I still don't feel bad about ignoring people's messages. 