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Me: [looking thru fridge] there's nothing to eat in here Mortician: I know right 
I switch my phone to united airplane mode and now I woke up in a hospital with a headache!
My favorite part of the day is the sitting down and getting drunk part. Definitely not the crying bit.
Auto correct is simultaneously my best friend and my worst enema
I don't celebrate Cinco de Mayo. - said no Juan ever.
Don't break anybody's heart; they have only one. Break their bones instead; they have 206.
So there are these "Don't start forest fires" commercials telling me to "Get my Smokey on." All I can think is, if an anthropomorphic bear in a pair of jeans and a ranger hat comes up and tells me not to set stuff on fire, I probably already did.
Short term goal, today get past annoying Monday and Monday's close friends, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday before hanging out with Friday and Friday's hot friends Saturday and Sunday.
One of the simple but genuine pleasures in life is getting up in the morning and hurrying to a mousetrap you set the night before.
:) Sometimes it's best to be quiet to be heard.
Colin Kaepernick + "Free Speech" = Free Agent!
How am I supposed to get any work done with all this work I have to do?
Please send your prayers out to the unsuspecting victim who will end up using the same cart of the guy I saw wiping his nose with his palm.
Teacher: Billy, what rhymes with orange? Billy: No it doesn't.
If you drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball you can predict the future. Trust me. My friend Keith did that, said "Oh I'm gonna die" and then did.
My wife is a wild animal in bed. And by that I mean she's more afraid of me than I am of her.
British PhD student Matthew Hedges has been pardoned in the United Arab Emirates! All he has to do is visit the Embassy to pick up his papers!
I don't know what they paid Tom Hanks to be the conductor on the Polar Express, but I've been on the bus during local school field trips and he ain't making near enough money.
Billboard is wrong. The hottest single of 2018 is me.
I prefer a woman to not have six pack abs. I also prefer a woman to not prefer that I have them either. 