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My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs. I've been his customer for 5 years. I had no idea he was a barber. 
It takes raw talent to make sushi.
What are children born in a brothel called? Brothel sprouts.
Counting to ten when you are angry always works better if you are counting punches to somebody's face.
I can take either sugar, Sweet n Low, Splenda or Stevia in my coffee. You could say I'm ambidexrose.
If you don't need to change your shirt after eating a hot dog you're not doing it right!
"What's the new baby's name?" "We don't know..we can't understand a word he says!"
My piano playing must be improving, as my neighbours have broken all my windows so they can hear me better!!
Did I already post my Alzheimer's status?
Flat Earthers are really good at making me feel smart
Rihanna turned down an opportunity to headline the halftime show at #SuperBowlLIII how ever they can still broadcast it on her forehead
So what if I can’t spell Armaggedon? … it’s not the end of the world.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
Life is like a helicopter. I don't know how to fly a helicopter.
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different. I thought she meant the gym. I wondered why my cereal tasted funny
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
The creepy Dyson guy is trying to sell me a bagless dream catcher. 