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I bet Melania regrets asking Brian Williams for help writing her speech. 
Bill Clinton also woke up in a White House built by sl@ves. Okay, Monica didn't actually build it nor was she a sl@ve, well sorta...
3 years 11 months and 3 weeks before renewing my interest in pole vault
"But would a trophy wife do this?", she said as she changed my car oil
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I've caught.
Someone described their church as a place to go when they're lost and searching for answers. That's how I feel about the grocery store.
John Hinckley Jr. has been freed after 35 years. I hope he realizes that Jodie Foster is really not interested now.
Walmart is selling six hot dogs for a dollar if anyone wants to die.
My elderly neighbor tried to buy something online yesterday. ... anyone know how to get a credit card out of a disc drive ?
If my roof ever catches on fire, I’ll have trouble not repeating myself when I call 911.
janet jackson flashes a titty and all hell breaks loose, while on the other hand rick ross can just flaunt his knockers anywhere he wants
"A happy person is not a person in a certain set of circumstances, but rather a person with a certain set of attitudes."
Talk about others and you're a gossip. Talk about yourself and you're a bore.
Well that's the last time I go to the gym. My Hershey bar melted in my back pocket.
Don't say forever if what you mean is for a few weeks.
I bet Osama Bin Ladin is looking up from the pits of hell and spewin' he used his real address on his Playstation Account!!
I wish I could open up your head to see what the he// is going on up there
I wonder when the first episode Ashton Kutcher gonna punk the cast of two and a half men.
I'm hoping for some good job openings I can fill when people leave for the Rapture.
So apparently I'm getting judged on the weekend... like how I get judged by human beings everyday... including my mother.... and my mother is much more scary.... 