Funny Status Messages

   My son asked me what's it like being married. I said "You know how you have to eat your vegetables to get dessert? Like that".

   Just did a weeks worth of cardio after walking into a spider's web.

   I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile. Then walk into a pole.

   At the cinema. ME: Two tickets please! CASHIER: For the Hobbit? ME: How dare you sir, she's my date.

   No matter how loud you crank the bass, it's still a minivan.

   I see subway employees are still having their "how much lettuce can you fit on a sandwich" contest.

   So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius.

   All these Ebola deaths in Africa might explain why I haven't heard back from that Nigerian prince after I sent him my financial information.

   Forgetting an email attachment is the 21st century's version of licking an envelope shut and then realizing you forgot to put the letter inside.

   I feel bad when I see a bug on my car when I'm heading to work. Even if the thing manages to hang on the entire way, it's still gonna be like, "Whew, okay, I didn't die. Now...where the F*CK am I?"

   I don't care what you think of me, because it can't be half as bad as what I think of you.

   Hates when she's singing along with the radio and the artist messes up the words!

   just finished her first book!!! man, that was alot of coloring!!

   Biggest Social Networking Crime: You haven't seen someone for years; you vaguely recognize their name but not their face. They add you as a friend on Facebook and then after you accept them, you never hear from them again.

   I work as a waiter and love it when people ask "How do you prepare the chicken?"I always reply "We tell it straight, you gonna die

   Anyone ever looked at some of the people you dated in High School that are now on Facebook and think, "Thank God, I really dodged a bullet on that ONE!?!"

   If I had a dollar for every time someone has told me to "grow up," I could probably afford a whole arsenal of Super Soakers.

   I was drinking at the bar, so I took a bus home. That may not be a big deal to you, but I've never driven a bus before.

   No one ever seems to realize that when someone says, "The last thing I want to do is hurt you," basically implies that there is a list and hurting you is on it.

   I am feeling lazier than the guy who designed the Japanese flag.