Funny Status Messages

   If I had a kid at 16 I'd get my A$$ whooped, not a TV show.

   Anyone who says laughter is the best medicine has never had morphine.

   When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

   FACT: The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first Hockey Helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important. Ladies.....Quit Laughing.

   My mirror and my camera have two completely different ideas of what I look like.

   I hate it when I buy a hamster at the pet store, and it grows huge, becomes a rapper and steals my KIA...

   Someone could get rich opening a business that untangles Christmas lights. Grrr....

   I bet more people would call the Gambling Addicts Helpline if they made every 5th caller a winner.

   My son just spoke his first words to me: 'Dad, where the f**k have you been the last 20 years?!' It was so cute.

   If the Zombie Apocolypse doesn't start out like the dance portion of the Thriller video I'm going to be pissed...........

   "Sir, could you please step out of the vehicle?" "I'm too drunk, Officer. You get in."

   I called my local pizza joint last night. I asked for a thin crusty supreme. They sent me Diana Ross.

   No. Standing as close to me as you possibly can, will not make the line move faster.

   There's nothing wrong with being short. You may be the last to know when it rains but you're the first to know when there is a flood.

   Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there's a giant dog with a tiny woman in its purse.

   Just replaced the cat litter with 44 packages of pop rocks. And now we wait....

   Just for fun, next time you see a snooty, rich woman at the grocery store, ask her if she works there.

   Fake friends are like shadows, always near you at your brightest moments, but nowhere to be seen at your darkest hours.

   I think that if I were a cannibal I'd only eat vegetarians, for the irony.

   Worrying is like a rocking chair: it gives you something to do, but doesn't get you anywhere.