Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
Dear anonymous teenager in Starbucks ... If your first phone cost more than your parents' first car, your life probably doesn't suck as much as you think. 
Maybe, just maybe, if we tell all these young people with their faces glued to their phones that the brain is an app, they'll start using it.....
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you'll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
The best dates end with "I can't believe we did that"
Thank you, True Crime, for sayingthat was a reenactment. I was prettyupset your camera person didn’tstop that murder.
I wish my personality allowed me to write deep and meaningful statuses sometimes, oh well. Titties!
Every day is a struggle to come to terms with the fact that they chose Tobey Maguire to play Spiderman.
LinkedIn Bans P rostitutes And E scorts! I wasn't even aware this service was available on LinkedIn. Why am I always late to the party?
In honor of Father's Day, I came up with a bourbon and cookie diet that is going to make me so rich... And fat... And drunk... Well, at least two of those
I'm not so good about doing the dishes. I just contemplated spreading peanut butter on bread - using scissors
I just walked by an old man who kept saying, “One, three, five, seven, nine… one, three, five, seven, nine…” I thought, “How odd.”
Some people's lives are like open books... Mine is like a trashcan without a lid.
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin* Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater...this year I am hoping for a moaner or screamer.
My backup plan is just my original plan but with more alcohol.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I got my stimulus check and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Need this election to be over so I can focus on holiday anxiety.
I am a very tolerant person until you think differently than me. Then I act like a spoiled little brat.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone's cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Sometimes you run into people who just make your day more bearable. Those people are called bartenders. 