Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I broke up with my girlfriend by e-mail. I don't know what upset her most, the fact that I did it by email or the fact that I cc'd my new girlfriend who wanted proof.

   Words of Wisdom: it's easier to change a condom than it is to change a diaper

   I wonder what would happen if I walked through Sea World with a fishing pole.

   The hardest thing you'll ever do is watch the one you love, love someone else.

   saw a billboard sign that said: NEED HELP, CALL JESUS 1-800-555-3787 Out of curiosity, I did. A Mexican showed up with a lawnmower.

   hit a parked car while texting. Even sadder, I was WALKING.

   Perhaps Bieber wouldn't need to vandalize walls with graffiti if the restaurants that he goes to would offer him a coloring menu with crayons

   If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad "iPhone 5S for $1 only"

   Whoever said, "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach" clearly had no idea how to give a stellar blow job.

   If spiders ever come to the realization that people are terrified of them, we're fucked.

   Ok honey don't freak out, but someone broke into the house, ate all the ice cream, smashed that picture of your mother, and didn't do the dishes.

   Stop it with this political BS. I haven't stolen and posted a descent item in months

   Today, I was told I was being too patronising which means I was treating them like they were stupid.

   The problem with being young is sometimes we don't stop to think, the problem with getter older is sometimes we forget what we were thinking about.

   I love Pandas, They're so chill. They're like "Dude, racism is stupid. I'm white, Black, & Asian..."

   I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent an idiot from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

   When I push the soap dispenser and it's empty I usually pretend it wasn't and wash my hands with the ghost soap that came out.

   Why can't braille just be in the shape of the letters?

   There should be a 5 second rule when girls start to cry where you can take what you just said back.

   Lady in the commercial for the life alert necklace said she fell. Laid there for 8 hours til her friend came. MY question, why didn't the cameraman help her up?