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i better have a baby soon before my Mom gets too old to raise it for me 
It's time to be concerned about unemployment when attractive people start losing their jobs.
Vodka mixes well with everything, except decisions.
Celebrate Valentines Day responsibly, or you'll be celebrating Thanksgiving in a maternity ward
I guess Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are dating now, and apparently it's getting serious. Friends say Kanye is the guy Kim wants to spend the rest of her month with
Maybe my mom was right all those years ago. Maybe I won't be happy until someone loses an eye. Maybe that's what's been missing.
People think i'm shy because I don't talk or participate much in conversations. The truth is I don't really give a f*ck what they're talking about.
Due to the failing economy, trick or treaters will be ID this year. I will be giving out candy to the ages of 6 to 9 years of age. Parents with infants, we know the child can't eat candy due to the lack of teeth. Get your own damn candy thanks.
was given 4 E's and LSD last night… Such an awful start to a game of scrabble.
Just when you think you got the answer...someone changes the question.
Put a diaper on that mouth cuz you talk a lot of crap...
Drag racing would be a lot more fun if I didn't have to wear a dress.
That psychic was terrible. She didn't even know I was going to run out without paying!
A man basically goes through three phases in his life... He believes in Santa Claus...He doesn't believe in Santa Claus...He is Santa Claus.
I'm excited for Christmas. What other time of the year can you sit around a dead tree and eat candy out of socks?
WHY DO OLD PEOPLE DRIVE LIKE THEY GOT ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD, BUT YOUNG PEOPLE DRIVE LIKE THEIR DAYS ARE LIMITED....?
They should have cell phone chargers in waiting rooms instead of magazines.
If you're not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
If history repeats itself, I'm totally getting a dinosaur.
just stopped at Radio Shack to get something and the kid behind the counter asked me for my phone number and zip code. I told him 867-5309 and zip 90210. He never even questioned it. 