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I don't usually get asked out by women, but when I do it's usually on the first of April. 
Survival Tip - If you get lost in the woods start talking politics and someone will show up to argue with you...
Breaking News: Federal authorities rule you can't be prescribed medical marijuana if your taking laxitives, Apparently you need to $h*t or get off the pot...
I went to visit a psychic. I knocked on the door and she yelled "who is it?" So I left.
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking. Am I a stalker?
Does anyone have a Volkswagen Beetle? Could I borrow it for an afternoon to drive around and count how many people I see punch one another?
Boss: And why can’t you come in today? Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
Rectal Grease went and complained to HR and now we can't use nicknames at work anymore
Canada brought you Nickelback. Now you know why Canadians are sorry.
The SPCA needs to open a bar. I know a ton of guys that bring home dogs from the bar.
Someone just caught me picking my nose at a stop light. Had to just cut my losses and run the red light.
All I'm saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don't we run more things on toilet power?
Let's face it, Facebook is just a place for people seeking attention and tweeter is a place where they hope someone, anyone, will listen.
The hole in a guitar is traditionally used to store soft cheeses and dried meats which are fed to the drummer when he does a good job
*gives ex wife's next door neighbour a drum kit for Christmas*
It's almost 2020 and we still haven't made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
It costs today's parents $235,000 to raise a child. And that's just for the alcohol.
"Shia LaBeouf" sounds like something a French guy would say after a really raunchy fart.
What is this mythical "leftover" Bacon of which you speak ? 