Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
People who walk in front of the theatre screen while you're watching a pirated movie on your computer are so rude. 
When girls or any women ask you "What?" In reply, it isnt cause they didnt hear you. Its because they giving you a CHANCE to CHANGE what you just said.
Heard that Snooki hates the nickname "Snooki" and wants to go back to using her real name, "Danny Devitto".
Sometimes I fill up my blow up doll with helium so its playing hard to get.
Next person who says "it's not the heat, it's the humidity" will learn that it's not my fist, but the impact.
My vegetarian friend could not understand why I brought a bottle of ketchup on our hiking trip. “In case we get lost.” He's slow. Tasty slow.
I'm surprised by the violence in Syria. I really thought the World Peace sign at the end of Madonna's halftime show would work.
I got a box of Animal Crackers the other day, and the box said, WARNING "Do Not Eat if Seal is Broken". I open the box, and sure enough...
The quicker sniffer upper ~ Hunter Biden (learned it from his dad)
When I was at school I belonged to a gang called The Secret Seven and we were sworn to secrecy. We were so good that I never found out who the other six were.
I hate it when you are driving on the freeway and someone cuts in front of you so you flip them off, only to have them put their hand up in a gesture of "thanks".
can't seem to find love. but its okay. I know exactly where the beer is.
As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two...
n't it amazing how the sound of one persons voice can ruin your whole day at work.
Winning the game using deflated balls? Is this the NFL or the Tour De France?
Day 12.. I haven't eaten apple in a week,, the doctors are slowly getting thru the barricade, I won't last very long, tell my family I love em
Dance like no one is watching. Because they're not; they're looking at their phone.
Martin Scorsese's film "The Wolf of Wall Street" broke a record by using the word "F**k" or "F**king" 506 times. That actually beats a record set by my dad in 2003, trying to put an Ikea chair together.
I flashed my full set of teeth at Walmart earlier this morning & I'm still here signing autographs and posing for pictures
Nothing worse than meeting the right person at the wrong time in your life. 