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Gary Johnson is the Discover Card of presidential candidates. You'll use him in a pinch, but you're kind of embarrassed about it. 
At this rate, it's starting to seem like Americans will be voting on which candidate to keep out of jail in November.
If you're valet parking your PT Cruiser you should just hand over the keys and tell them to drive it off a cliff.
I think it's rude for a deaf person to talk with food in their hands.
Things to do.. #1 dig a hole #2 name it love #3 watch people fall in love
When things get to stressful I hit the jim.......... Beam.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?...”
Service so bad the waitress owes you money
I'm not the one who spent $600 on a first class ticket for my pet rabbit. Blame my wife!!
Losing an argument with your woman? Just tell her "My mom was right about you" to get the upper hand.
I, put commas, in, weird places, so that you, read my jokes, like, William Shatner!
Do you ever wonder what your pets biological parents would have named them?
Just sneezed and felt something pop in my neck and my left hand went numb. Might have to put off my UFC career for another week.
Can anyone recommend a good book to tell people I'm reading?
When I was a kid I made my dad a clay ashtray. Millennials probably think I should be locked up.
While weighting my self on the bathroom scale I sucked in my gut. My wife laugh and said do you think that's help you weigh less ? I said no but it does help me to see how much I weigh.
Some days I feel like I own waterfront property on $h!t Creek.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room
It's pretty bad when Playboy deletes their FB page because they don't want to be associated with "low values"
Will Seth Meyers continue to be on television now that the Clinton 2016 team is dissolving? 