Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
Beginning to think my dog will never accept my leg 'just wants to be friends.' 
I'm getting so sick of these double standards. Burn a body at the mortuary and "You're doing your job", do it at home and you're "destroying evidence".
Watching Home Alone 3 and wondering what's taking children's services so long?
Nearly wrecked my car trying to save my tacos from falling. Before you question my priorities let me point out, there was sour cream on them.
.... The Older I get the meaner I get .... I'm pretty sure within the next few years I'll be biting people.
"Nipping it in the bud" sounds way more fun than it actually is.
Well well well if it isn't the bills I keep throwing away.
Just because school isn't for you, doesn't mean rapping is.
When the dryer buzzer scares you so bad you have to do another load of laundry.
My Ex knows enough to have the Clintons put away . Just putting this out .
The night before the kids go back to school is the grown ups version of Christmas Eve.
Drink Bacardi while you workout and call it Bacardio
I hope instagram is still around in 10 years so I can show my kids what my food looked like in 2013
Day 4 of no alcohol: Morale is low. I just drank some eye drops.
Why is sorting "Price: High to Low" even an option
What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Phillipe Phillope.
So tired I just ignored a fly walking on my face like I was in an 80's hunger commercial.
"Karate" is an old Japanese word that means, "My kid can't hit a baseball."
I have some serious self-esteem issues. The last time I posted a selfie I first cropped myself out of it.
If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me. 