Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   My car talks. It says things like "your door is ajar", but never anything really helpful like, "there's a trooper hiding in the bushes."

   If God didn't think humility was important, he would have put the prostate somewhere else.

   These kids today need to show a little respect to those of us who fought for, and won the right to party.

   Spread your lies elsewhere, turkey bacon.

   I've been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don't know karate.

   I'd like to give that Baltimore mom 10 min alone with Congress and a wooden spoon.

   Let's be honest. The only reason I listen to my voice-mail messages is to make the stupid icon disappear.

   I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex. I know I'm better than you, but I feel really bad about it.

   I haven't wanted a Twinkie in years.... until I was told I couldn't have them anymore.

   Tim Tebow is the most talked about white Bronco since the O.J. chase.

   You know when the police arrive at your job at 9am on a Monday... Its going to be an interesting day.

   If gas prices keep going up I'm cutting off the bottom of my car and I'm "Flintstoning" That mf!

   The best part about living by myself is not having to explain why I fell asleep on the kitchen counter… naked… again.

   Super Bowl Sunday, the one day of the year that DVR's are used to watch commercials, instead of skip them!

   I got sacked as a bingo caller tonight. Apparently "a meal for two with a terrible view" wasn't the best way to announce the number 69....

   Just because you're offended, doesn't mean you're right.

   Removing access to contraceptives in order to discourage premarital sex is like removing seatbelts to encourage safer driving habits.

   A cool thing about being in a relationship is that when you make a mistake you get to hear about it 1,345,435 times.

   Definition of anxiety: half of the time you're worried about the other half of the time.

   Stealing candy from a baby is actually pretty hard....... They always have adult friends nearby....... and they're loud snitches.......