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With its resplendent colors and invigorating chill, autumn is my favorite time to ponder my complete insignificance in an uncaring universe. 
Bouncing happily through life on a pogo stick made of delusion.
Apple introduced the new iPad Mini…for those light days.
I want to go see "The Girl On The Train" and my wife wants to see "Sully" So we compromised and are going to see "Sully"
Funny how in school we referred to everyone by their first and last names but as adults we're just like "you know what's-his-face."
October 27th, almost time for me to tell my kids' about the weird week long chocolate allergy they are about to get.
Just when I thought 2016 couldn't get any worse, I realize my Kohl's cash has expired.
Does anyone know if Santa will be sending out a progress report?
[restaurant] waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before? me: no but I know how to order food
Social Distancing has taken all the sport out of trying to avoid people.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you. ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’ HER: I need to see other people.
I'd really like to get personalized license plates for my car but they're so expensive I decided to change my name to XJS-3582
[at the auto parts store] Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chrysler Counter Guy: What size engine
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
I dropped the keys to my jeep between the seat then accidentally locked my hair in the car door if you’re looking for a sophisticated woman with style and grace. 