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I can take either Sugar, Sweet n Low, or Splenda in my coffee. You could say I'm ambidexrose. 
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible" "Well, tell him I can't see him right now."
Picture Darth Vader singing "These are a Few of My Favorite Things" and you'll have some idea of the kind of thoughts that go through my head daily.
I waited until today to buy my eclipse glasses when they are 50% off.
Me: I need a doctor's appointment... Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?... Me: No, I don't need that many
Anthony Weiner gets Hard time. Pun intended!
This Halloween, the only Candy I'm interested in swings from a pole and has daddy issues.
The Cleveland Indians gave it up faster than an ovulating woman just released from house arrest.
Happy Halloweiner Hillary and Huma
When people dressed like witches, strippers and hobos show up at my front door it must be Halloween because my family reunion was in July.
I like to think this spider on my windshield during my morning commute is on his way to his own office job, too. I bet he's a web developer.
Day one of my waffle cleanse
Ran into a #PETA nut while walking my dog. He said my dog was my slave. Wonder if he noticed I'm the one carrying the poop in a bag?
"What do we want?"... "Hearing aids."... "When do we want them?".... "Hearing aids."
it normal to delete Facebook friends on their birthdays
it’s almost 2017 and food can still make you fat get your act together science
So you're going to the Black Friday sales? Didn't you say you were thankful for everything you had yesterday?
Bought some cheese at one of those fancy cheese shops today. It was legend dairy...
I'm so broke that This Christmas I am going to wrap up some batteries with a note saying "Toys not included".
Nothing ruins a Friday quicker than having to work the weekend. too. 