Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Your call is very important to us, please hold while we disconnect your call. ~ AT&T

   Some of my friends exercise every day. Meanwhile, I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell in the floor.

   Sometimes the universe puts you in the same situation again to see if you’re still stupid.

   Someone asked me if I had plans for the fall. It took me a moment to realize that they meant autumn, and not the collapse of civilization.

   All my updates come with an extra helping of cornbread dressing. While supplies last.

   You: I’m offended, you can’t say that! Me: Noooo, I can, I did, and I probably will again.

   It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while, to remind yourself why you don’t go out.

   How about taco Wednesday’s, no one has ever done that before.

   The biggest story this week, is the suppression of a story about the suppression of a story. That story is also suppressed, we’ll have less on the story later.

   The older I get, the less life in prison is a deterrent.

   May life treat you the way you treat waiters and animals.

   Grocery shopping is a constant battle between not buying snacks, so you won’t be tempted and being angry that there’s nothing to eat.

   I can do all things through spite, which strengthens me.

   Do men still go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is ten to one, and they’re already looking for things they don’t need.

   Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, which is why I’m eating it again at 11:00am.

   I like staying home, because as soon as I step outside, I spend $100.00

   My phone is always in my hand. So, if you think I’m ignoring you, I am.

   My school taught square dancing in the 4th grade, because you never know when a hoedown will break out.

   They’re not red flags, they’re fun facts about me.

   What does the sign on the out-of-business brothel say? Beat it, we’re closed.