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I’m the way I am because of that very first time I sneezed and no one blessed me. 
Tenderizing the meat sounds a lot sexier than it is
*breaks a sweat* Sweatshop Owner: You’re gonna have to pay for that
Just BUY the klondike bar. What's the big deal?
Wives if your husband says something and you're not around to hear it is he still wrong?
When Jimmy Garoppolo said he watches a lot of film, I thought it was talking about football
Netflix should probably just start asking "Is there someone I should call?"
Dear problems..plz gimme a discount..I'm your regular customer
"Better to be the worst of the best, than the best of the worst."
Saying “just kidding” is a way to tell the truth without getting punched in the face.
If you leave a cupcake out long enough, it just becomes a cookie
There is strength in loyalty; not in numbers.
If I had a pet unicorn, I'd probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
. A Hypochondriac is a person who can't leave well enough alone.
Whoever coined the phrase, "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.
Sometimes I put my car in neutral at stoplights and roll back a little so people will think I drive a manual...
If you're purchasing a Dollar Store pregnancy test, I think we both know you can't afford a positive.
To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present....They are due back at the library today.
In honor of it being Friday the 13th, whenever I hear a strange noise, I'm going to investigate it braless, and wearing cute panties.
Contrary to popular belief, it's actually the fat that makes you look fat. It was never the dress 