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I still eat around bruised parts of fruit like a scared 4-year-old. 
They say the average adult has sex 54x a year. So, this should be a heck of a 3 months!
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought: “That’s the last thing I need!”
Thanksgiving is coming...time to set the weigh scale ahead 8 lbs.
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
I'm not sure what level we just hit on Jumanji but I vote we just play Candyland next time.
There is nothing worse than a kid with a toy that makes noise.
Even to this day, I still can't remember that time I had amnesia.
I no longer question authority; I annoy authority. More fun, less effort.
45 minutes ago I took a bite of celery. I'm still chewing.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat? Good times.
EXERCISE?? Shoot, I thought you said EXTRA PIES!!!
Do you ever see your memories pop up here on Facebook and think to yourself "wtf was I thinking" I do. Just about every damn day.
Many people have told me that waking up at 5 in the morning to exercise makes you feel great.....
But I think lying in bed for another 2 hours feels better.
Just sayin'....
911: What's the emergency? Man: My wife keeps shining her laserlight pointer light on me. 911: How is that an emergency ? Man: Her laserlight pointer is attached to her gun.
I'm trying to see things from your point of view, but I can't stick my head that far up my arse
There is a new supermarket in town but I think it is run by the Mob. There are signs above the registers that say "12 items or else". 