Funny Status Messages

   Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again

   Day 17 of isolation: still have food and toilet paper. Also, notice a small flock of very large birds are circling overhead, watching over me in a protective manner.

   Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.

   Life hack: Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.

   Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way

   I carry a kazoo in my fanny pack in case anyone initiates small talk.

   love is out there, kinda like the zodiac killer is still out there too, so good luck.

   I remember once upon a time I was a beloved son, now I’m just an internet troll.

   Sorry I freaked you out by paying attention. I keep forgetting that people don't do that anymore.

   Do condoms come in 'fun size' wrappers?

   Silence is your best responce when talking to an idiot

   Funniest joke in Infinity War was Thor revealing his fluency in "I am Groot" because it was an elective course in Asgardian schools

   I am looking at this online special deal at Disneyworld and thinking no, my kids can annoy me just fine right here at home.

   I've watched so much Shark Tank that now I decline by saying "And for that reason, I'm out."

   "Give me fuel, give me fire, give me the nap that I desire!" - realistic Metallica

   I'm no English major, but shouldn't Apple's Tim Cook have encouraged those graduates to "think differently"??

   The only permanent cure for snoring is a sledgehammer.

   You're not going to be able to build a house with the first swing of the hammer.. so chill the heck out and learn patience...

   I'm so stressed out that I've started sniffing glue. It's the only thing holding me together.

   I've been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants. Feefiphobia.