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Bat : $300. Killer Sunglasses: $200. Batting Gloves: $30. Getting called out on strikes in slow pitch softball: PRICELESS. 
Been reading up on the
thesaurus lately because a mind is a terrible thing to garbage.
I refuse to accept your labels like "immature" & "irresponsible" & "don't drink while taking this medication".
Step 1 - Change your Wi-Fi password to "blowmefirst." Step 2 - Wait for someone to ask you for it.
Me: You have a horrible memory ... Wife: Well, I guess that's why I still love you.
Every office should have a Parliament mode, when you don't wanna work, start shouting and go home
Unless he releases a men’s fragrance, I think Elon Musk should be ordered to legally change his name.
I am now at the age that I understand the joy on game shows when someone wins new kitchen appliances
My bachelor pad is lacking a sofa now that Mom wants her Caravan’s third row seating back.
Rumor has it there's a Tesla floating out in space somewhere. Finders keepers!!!
I'm kinda glad that dinosaurs are extinct cause I'm pretty sure I'd try to ride one after a few beers.
If zombies eat the living and vultures eat the dead, what do zombie vultures eat and what do you mean this isn't an emergency, 911 operator?
When I see lover's names craved into a tree. I don't think it's cute. I just think it strange how many people take knives on a date.
My food pyramid is currently in its cubist phase
Whose bright idea was it to allow spiders, snakes and mosquitos on the ark? I want names.
I can't really afford Essential Oils so let's see what we have in the pantry.
You know you've got a problem when every letter of the alphabet triggers a porn bonanza in your address bar
friend: you coming to the party tonight me: no i've got plans narrator: he had no plans
Somehow I thought growing up would involve more than staring at my phone
I don't care what you say about Zombies. Zombies love you for your brain, not your beauty. 