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I decided to start calling my bathroom the Jim instead of the John. That way I can tell everyone that the first thing I do every morning is go to the Jim. 
This Crazy lady with Mad Road rage was yelling out her window at me this morning before work.... "I'm gonna make your life a living hell" ...I yelled back, "Thanks but I'm already married."
Put my phone on airplane mode and some bloke came over and dragged me out of the house.
Does anyone know a phone number to a good psychiatrist?.Oh it's not for me, it's for the people who still believe they'll get a check from Bill Gates for sharing and reposting a chain letter to all their friends.
How different our world would be if the time & money invested to create the various ways to destroy each other was used to save us instead.
They say when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, it is love, after marriage, it is self-defense.
Do not put off until tomorrow what you can put off indefinitely.
Today I ask God for patience to deal with stupid people and courage to tolerate their ignorance, because Lord only knows if I ask for strength I might beat them to death...
Puerto Rico is showing us how to make teenagers and their annoying smartphones disappear - just cut the power
Place a "DRY PAINT" sign on a park bench. And watch how many people avoid sitting on the bench.
[first day as a 911 operator] me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
Because of Shania Twain I haven't been impressed much since 1997.
Mueler's Russian roundup may soon come to an end.
DOCTOR: why do you think you need this medication? ME: I saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
Q: What do you get when you cross a Pirate and a Pedophile? A: Arrrr Kelly
The difference between men and women is that men insult each other but don't really mean it and women compliment each other but don't really mean it.
If you ever feel like air-drumming while driving always play a Def Leppard song. That way you can still keep one hand on the wheel.
If anyone wants to come and talk about why my heating bills are sky high - the door is always open
The true definition of patriotism: check out the canadians singing their nation anthem when the NBA finals is played in Canada.
Billion dollar Idea: Pepperoni staples for when the cheese keeps sliding off your pizza 