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It bothers me that someone may steal my identity and use it to make thousands of dollars behind my back. It mostly bothers me because I currently have my identity and can't figure out how to do that.. 
I didn't mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone.
If the plan is “drink beer now, figure out life later” then yes, everything is going according to plan
Makeup can make you look pretty on the outside, but it won't help if you're ugly on the inside. Unless you eat the makeup...
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast? Applicant: I'll get you an answer in about a week. Manager: Brilliant! You're hired.
Gorilla Glue works best if you want your fingers stuck to whatever’s broken but you don’t actually want to fix it.
Whenever you're having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
Before Facebook I had to disappoint people in person
Been working out. Pretty sure I can beat up half the kids from "Stranger Things" now.
Cool Fact:Fred Flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
I used to wonder what it'd be like to read other people's minds, but then I got a Facebook Account and now I'm over it.
Facebook needs a "I'll Drink To That" button.
Bat : $300. Killer Sunglasses: $200. Batting Gloves: $30. Getting called out on strikes in slow pitch softball: PRICELESS.
Been reading up on the
thesaurus lately because a mind is a terrible thing to garbage.
I refuse to accept your labels like "immature" & "irresponsible" & "don't drink while taking this medication".
Step 1 - Change your Wi-Fi password to "blowmefirst." Step 2 - Wait for someone to ask you for it.
Me: You have a horrible memory ... Wife: Well, I guess that's why I still love you.
"The more people I meet, the more I like my dog."
I have all the world's knowledge at the very tips of my fingers where I can find the answers to life's most perplexing questions! and here I am googleing What did Oscar the Grouch do if he overslept on trash day?
My New Year's resolution is to be more social by deleting all my social networks. 