Funny Status Messages

   I have my headphones on at the Gym, but judging by the reactions, that was an audible fart

   I think the best way to fight insomnia is redecorate my bedroom to look like Ms. Stewart's 10th grade math class

   AA meetings would be less boring if you could drink at them.

   I'd like to read an obituary that says "He laid down the boogie and played that funky music till he died."

   Someone should start a new Match.com, but for socks

   I may not be the richest guy in the world...or the smartest guy in the world...or the funniest guy in the world...or the best-looking guy in the world...or the ..... Aw hell, now I'm depressed...

   Bending over, preparing to do my taxes.

   It's a good idea to test your immune system from time to time by eating a gas station hot dog

   I turned out ok for a kid raised in large part by Bugs Bunny.

   One of the great things about having kids is that you can check your pulse using the veins on the side of your head

   I've started visiting orgies dressed as a Ninja-Turtle! I'm really coming out of my shell these days!

   OMG I can't believe I just did that. I called someone without texting first to see if it was ok that I called them. Yikes!!!

   Not so great minds also think alike!

   My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!

   Some girl just asked me out, well she actually told me to get out of my store, but I know what she really meant

   I need a vacation that I may or may not ever come back from.

   Three things I'm grateful for, 1. Family 2. Friends 3. Caller ID to advoid family and friends.

   Why do we say that an alarm clock is going off when really it's coming on?

   "Do not touch" must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.

   What do people who send out family Christmas cards want from us?