Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
The worst part about working from home is when your coworkers clog the toilet 
I feel like I'm watching a tv show called "Lockdown Got Talent" because this lockdown has people thinking they're gym instructors, chefs, dancers, etc...
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
Hate is too powerful an emotion
to waste on somebody
you don't even like.
I feel like everybody judges me when I say Worcestershire sauce...
United Airlines... You Might get to fly and it shows.
Good thing that doctor wasn't wearing leggings, too.
If you ask me, every Friday is a Good Friday.
Interviewer: You ever do time?
Me: I've mixed basil with weed, even freebased oregano, but I've never done thyme.
Interviewer: I meant in jail, but I think we're done here.
No I won't go fund you. I can't even go fund myself.
Do bankruptcy lawyers really expect to be paid?
I didn't say I was good in bed; I said I'm good, in bed.
Sometimes I STOP when it's not even Hammer time
Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
O.J. Simpson is now available for the next season of Dancing With The Stars.
If you mean Elmer Fudd singing "Kill the Wabbit" then, yes, I do like opera.
Don't talk to me like I'm stupid until you know for sure.
I've been trying many different kinds of cheese lately and I began to realize that putting it on a cracker can interfere with subtle differences in the flavors, so I started squirting it into my mouth right from the can.
The only reason I wear glasses is so I can take them off and rub my eyes when somebody does something stupid.
When do Boy Scout cookies go on sale? 