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My wife just opened a jar of pickles by herself and I can't help but think that my days around here are numbered... 
The sign at the florist's said, "Say It With Flowers." I go in and ordered one rose. The guy asks me if I'm cheap. I go, "No, I'm a man of few words."
You never truly realize what you have till its gone. Toilet paper, for example.
Today reminds me of that old Schoolhouse Rock episode, "How a Bill Becomes an Embarrassing Failure By Paul Ryan."
Truth is truth. It does not need to be "balanced" and it isn't caused by voting, consensus, polls or by yelling louder or silencing someone.
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
It’s funny to me when a cop says “you know why I pulled you over?” As if I’m gonna snitch myself out, or possibly get it wrong and end up with two charges
I hate new relationships. Now I have to act like I'm not crazy for 90 days.
Judging from the size of Popeye's forearms, I'm guessing that Olive Oyl didn't put out much.
Seriously, if the earth was flat, cats would have pushed everything off of it by now.
But on the plus side, I'm completely immune to flash-bang grenades - Helen Keller
I found a real money maker in selling homing pigeons....... So far this month I sold mine 4 times.
Take the hint people...... Earbuds are a do not disturb sign.
"You're never too old to learn something stupid."
What do I remember about the midget
that attacked me.
Very little.
Have you ever lost your sunglasses on top of your head?…me neither…
If I've learned anything in my 23 years on earth, it's that it's okay to lie about your age.
They say to write what you know. Chapter One: Farts
Daylight savings is great because we gain an hour of trying to figure out what time it is.
Guys the secret to a happy marriage...... "Honey, you're absolutely right." 