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Some dance to remember, some dance to forget, some dance because the swamp witch’s curse compels them to, and you can usually pick those ones out right away 
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
Official quote of 2020 ... "YOU'RE ON MUTE !!"
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
When people say we're in this together! I wonder if they'd mind if I sent them some of my bills until my stimulus check gets here?
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts? Pac-Man: *deep breath*
Dear AT&T, I'm not interested but appreciate you wanting to save me money. And if you'd like to save money stop mailing me letters!
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.] person: take $6??
I got a letter in the mail saying I was pre-approved for a Walmart Credit Card. Not sure if I should be honored or ashamed
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
My girlfriend asked me when I last had s ex with someone that wasn't her. I said.... "back in '06". It sounds much better than "June"
Behind every boss there are employees wondering if going to prison for felony assault would really be all that bad...
Grew up in the south so for me a fancy restaurant was a place that offered you the choice of biscuit or cornbread.
And when I die, this will all be yours...... *points to plastic bags filled with other plastic bags
I'm 100% convinced that for every sock that is lost in the dryer one comes back as an extra Tupperware lid
Q-Tips. The only product that warns you against its only use. 